• Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections And Splices."

• If Lucas made guns, wars wouldn't start.

• "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and never had any prob..."

• Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

• The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

• While Lucas denies having invented darkness, they can still lay claim to perfecting "sudden, unexpected" darkness.

• Lucas: Inventor of the first intermittent wiper and the first self-dimming headlamp.

• The original anti-theft device: Lucas Electric products.

• Lucas invented an impressive array of three-position headlamp switches:
"SMOKE / SMOLDER / IGNITE,"  "DIM / FLICKER / OFF," and the legendary, "OFF / LOW / BLOW."

• It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

• Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner, "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" He replied, "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

• Back in the '70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

• Why do the English drink warm beer? Because Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

• Did you hear about the Lucas-powered torpedo? It sank.

• Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineer that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

• Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times "sunwise" around your vehicle chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness, protect your unworthy servant."

• Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- which is very appropriate!

• The Prince's last words to his son: "don't go riding after dark" (via Bernie Allan, BritIron Newsgroup)

• Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency.

• How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

• Lucas Jokes = Black Humor. (c/o Bruce Miller at http://www.hermit.cc )

Fairness Footnote: "Today, Lucas Electrical is a high-tech company that manufactures the highest quality automotive and aerospace components,
and its dedicated engineers and skilled workers should not be made the brunt of these tired old jokes, which are rooted in a bygone era."